seriously. all I can think about in the past three months was how badly I'm gonna score and everything. I know the law of attraction. I know the more pessimistic I get the closer it will reflect in reality.
but seriously, fuck it.
I'm so afraid of even meeting anybody on Monday in fear that they would ask me about my results. I don't even want to see my classmates because I know for sure they're gonna score well. "well" is actually an understatement. I'm going to prepare to see at least half of them going up on stage to collect their results. I absolutely dread the moment when I'm going to collect my cert, and my civics tutor give me a sympathetic look, telling me this is not the end and I am meant to do greater things beyond the syllabus of physics and chemistry. prolly something related to the talent I sort of have and something that won't secure a stable rice bowl in this society.
no one knows how hard it is. having to be so accustomed to failure I was sick and scared of it. having to survive panic attacks before every, single, examination just because I knew it was going to be a losing battle. having peers who are so fucking intelligent. having to be in a position where nothing I did seemed to help. having teachers who didn't give up on you, but you were just too ashamed to meet them anyway because you felt you've disappointed them enough.
please. let it be good. I studied hard. I tried my best. please let my best be enough.
