please.

cant sleep rn bc I'm busy having a fucking panic attack over Monday aka dooms day. 

seriously. all I can think about in the past three months was how badly I'm gonna score and everything. I know the law of attraction. I know the more pessimistic I get the closer it will reflect in reality. 

but seriously, fuck it. 

I'm so afraid of even meeting anybody on Monday in fear that they would ask me about my results. I don't even want to see my classmates because I know for sure they're gonna score well. "well" is actually an understatement. I'm going to prepare to see at least half of them going up on stage to collect their results. I absolutely dread the moment when I'm going to collect my cert, and my civics tutor give me a sympathetic look, telling me this is not the end and I am meant to do greater things beyond the syllabus of physics and chemistry. prolly something related to the talent I sort of have and something that won't secure a stable rice bowl in this society. 

no one knows how hard it is. having to be so accustomed to failure I was sick and scared of it. having to survive panic attacks before every, single, examination just because I knew it was going to be a losing battle. having peers who are so fucking intelligent. having to be in a position where nothing I did seemed to help. having teachers who didn't give up on you, but you were just too ashamed to meet them anyway because you felt you've disappointed them enough.

please. let it be good. I studied hard. I tried my best. please let my best be enough.  

desolation

sometimes I wonder what's my heart made of. how did I go through so much without even feeing a flick of emotions? but I guess I toughened it up during my childhood. it's easy to assume I live a normal and luxurious life. I didn't choose to intentionally make it seem like I do, I am not that scheming nor pretentious. I just very naturally restrict people's access to my life. so much that only the pleasant side and the more presentable form is shown. yknow?

I'd never, in any way, tried to flaunt whatever (little) I have, with any slightest intention to impress and drive others into jealousy. 

I digressed. but... my life so far hadn't been a bed of roses. not even close, for sure. for the whole 19 years of my living,  all I'd ever wanted is to live a normal life. I want to be a normal teenager who eats family dinner with her full family every night. I long for a father figure to occasionally keep me in reins. I want to stop living in fear of a family thief in the house, and my berates turning on deaf ears. I want to have normal siblings of suitable age gaps between us. I want siblings and parents who have actually been through and know nuts about the education system to guide me through this rough path. I want my sisters to be my confidantes, to understand the present teenage phases and trends, to be my best friends. a sister who is always there, at home, ready to shield me from dangers when I need some protection. 

maybe that's why I'm so independent. maybe that's why I only depend on myself to fend for whatever that comes. only I can protect myself. 

and I can only

solely

depend on 

myself. 

who knew?

I am feeling a myriad of emotions. I grew tired of confiding because they're all just the same few problems. i grew tired of telling them. I grew tired of finding someone who really cares enough to hear them. or maybe I wasn't tired. I won't be tired for the one person I want to tell it to. but I'm just like that. I can't just trust you and tell you something that's been bothering me. I hate how people assume I trust easily because I make friends easily. 

remember: the most easy-going and friendliest people trust the least. don't you realise you never really know what they're thinking about? you don't really know how they're like when they're alone before they sleep? how they really genuinely feel about things? 

think. just think. how well do you know me? how much of me did I ever reveal to you? if you think you know me enough by talking to me day and night for consecutively 5 months, you thought wrong. 

you cease to know me entirely. and that will always be the case. for I keep my true self only for the worthy. and to fully know every inch of my life, my thoughts and myself, it might take a decade, or a lifetime. I don't tell anyone everything. even my best friends. I only create a personality mould for people to see and not to understand. I've immersed myself in this facade so much it's part of my whole living. I can't tear this mask off. I can't. I can't. I really can't. 

somebody, anybody, fix me.

I only act tough and independent just so I really want to be found. 

new year new start

hey bloggggggg. wow. so many things have had happened between the day i posted my last post and today. hmmm there were good things and bad things. i shall just list down the stuff that happened in chronological order (i try) from 24 nov onwards, for memories sake and also to kinda wrap up my 2013.

so on 27 Nov i ended my A levels and i went out with the class to bugis. i am rly grateful for this lovely class i was blessed with and spent my 2 years in jc with. thank you 12S45 :")

 it was also the last time we would be wearing the uniform... sigh mixed feelings.

28 Nov: Stayed at MBS with my beloved Mexicans. 

 the view from the infinity pool was magnificent

 HAHHAHA this photo makes us look like we have no waist just torso and legs

 i love u guys forever and beyond and even further bc the mere word 'forever' isn't enough.

this looks like a screaming demon child clutching its mouth in fear of the dark clouds looming

 29 Nov: Regina's birthday party at New Majestic Hotel.

Happy birthday b, i've said whatever i wanted to say in texts/whatsapp/instagram post. Love you :-*

1st Dec: Shopping with the girls clique and sweechoon with the rest of the clique who could make it HAHA

2nd Dec: had work @ frolick and celebrated Leonard's extremely belated birthday at 49Seats. Bought him those special sunglasses for sports and soccer shoes. :-)

i actually didnt realise i forgot to put on eyeliner that night HAHA i look so young right!!!!!

went over to the 2nd dec post prom party at butter fact. The vip table i won sucked?????? where got table so small and space so cramped one. lol. the party sucked by the way.

but great bumping into sooooo many old friends :")

4 Dec: had 328 katong laksa w/ joanne fuli cleo regina and free Thor 2 movie screening with victorians! sat with S45 and it's really super cool to be in a theatre full of victorians. we could rly laugh even at the advertisements without getting judged LOL

and at night i went zouk w fuli cleo regina joanne :-)

5th Dec: went johor w joanne cleo regina & jonas. did maaaa nails there. first time w gelish!

7th Dec: went back to YTCO for the first time ever after my a levels ended and illumi run after that w fuli joanne regina and sandra!

thank you kahleong for the delicious tiramisu!

9th Dec: PROM!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

damn act HAHAHAH still act like someone taking pix of him

 it was a blast thank you vj for giving me the best 2 years ive ever would have experienced in this hellhole called jc. give me another chance to go through jae again i would still choose vj. nil sine laboure.

10th Dec: Cleo's birthday party @

old school was the theme! so joanne regina sylvestor and i coordinated outfits to wear button up shirt + bow tie + suspenders + dr martens + long cute socks HEHE Happy birthday my little lover <3 forever precious. sorry and thank you for EVERYTHING. after all the drama, hahahahahahah LOL. 

12th Dec: Cycling with 6I HOMIES!!! ECP > Old Airport Rd > Kallang > Gardens By The Bay > MBS & back all the way to ECP. My butt ached AHAHA. 

llao llao yogurt and timbre with joanne & cleo after cycling. searched and ran for our lives for this precious yogurt but it was all worth it LIKE VERY WORTH IT to the extent i am posting this ugly photo of me bc it's the only one i have with the yogurt HAHAHA

14th Dec: YTCO pract & ZOUKOUT after!!!!!! it was so-so. xt was a burden to take care of and i kinda wasted 40% of my money bc i spent a large part of zoukout taking care of her HAHAHAH

that's Zedd

Alesso

Dec 18: got ($27 worth of) free Sogurt c/o Farah <3 during breakkkkk from work :-)

 20th Dec: xmas gift exchange in the office!!! 3 of us purposely dressed in green + red lol HEHE

everyone calls us the XMMs in the office bc we 95ers are so young HAHA

my secret santa was my adult friend from training HAHAHAH but thank u for the present!! <3

 21st Dec: Chupitos trip w/ regina geokkoon & cleo. 3 of them went to club while i cabbed home alone bc i rly didnt want to club. :-) so proud of myself!

 23rd Dec - 25th Dec: YTCCCO MUSIC CAMPPPPPPP <3

woman <3

all the secret santa gifts <3 <3 <3

christmas steamboat <3

LOL OUR SANTAS and ew everyone got covered with shaving cream after this

thank u leonard for the present <3

MA GURLSZ

this photo is so cuteeeeeee HAHHA w/ my loveleeangela <3

i luv u suxian my dearest secret santa who spent so much on my gift when the budget was $6.99??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! LOVE U SRZLY U THE CUTEST IN TRYING TO HIDE FROM ME HAHAHAHA

DAMN bu she de to go home on christmas wtf zzzz rly sia i love ytccco forever and ever

on our BFFs/seniors' last day of work we took a photo.... HAHAHA 

but nat was in thailand so yup i did her a favour of including her in our photo

 ----

Xmas gift exchange w clique!!! <3 bet nobody took notice of the budget HAHA i luvvvv luvvv u guys!!!!

WEINAN'S MINION IS FUGGING CUTE KNN JSKSJHDKSHCKJZXNCJ<ZHCJKHDS

 watched The Conjuring and that was such a bad move????? i didn't dare to go home so i stayed overnight at nan's house w/ asher. super impromptu decision but yeah good movie......................... even made Ted terrifying for me bc i couldnt stop making conjuring references when Ted was supposed to make me feel better and recover from the shock???????? ok shut up i know i am damn lousy AHHAHAHAHAH

one random muaythai day:

31st Dec: Secret Santa & TV50 Mediacorp NYE countdown w/ Mexicans!!!!!! OMFG Cleo was my Santa and she gave me Lush products wow i love u so much biff *crey* I LAV IT!!!!

and i bought my Santee aka JT a topo map face watch from nakedglory even though it wasn't on her wishlist. and guess what???????? she'd wanted that watch FOR AGES. I felt like a freaking genius like WOW im such an awesome friend i didnt even know she wanted it i just got it cause i thought she might like it. A+ TO ME!!!!

MAX SO CHARMING WOW SUCH VOICE

*swoons*

WANG LEE HOM~

 didnt know if we went for a The Wanted concert or a Mediacorp concert HAHA freaking worth it la i luv TW now~~~~~~~~

1st Jan 2014:

 3rd Jan 2014:

we coincidentally wore the same thing today for work. HHAHAHAHAH. and i made 0 calls today bc i had no leads in my new profile. plus there were some issues so whole office ceased all outbound calls and we went home at 4pm instead of 5pm. MUAHAHAHA. Caught The Secret Life Of Walter Mitty w/ Nat after work!! AND WE SUCCEEDED IN USING STUDENT PRICE LOR WAHAHAHAHAHAH damn shiok!!!

ok datz all WOW I AM SO TIRED FROM POSTING ALL THESE.

Overall... t'was a tough 2013! had major exams, academic stress, fell in and out of love, SO MUCH unnecessary drama. 

I've learnt sooooo much. mostly from the later part of the year. opened up my eyes and became more guarded. is that a good or bad thing? hahaha. i hardly trust people to begin with.... and now everything's gone back to null; to zero. i dont fully trust anybody anymore. it's human nature to be wary lest u get hurt. although i am extra wary. and in the process of protecting myself, i lost someone. but that person barely bothered anyway. 

but i have been super happy recently. i mean, not out of the ordinary kind of special happy. but just the very-normal content derived from every day perks and pleasures. i am genuinely happy. this is not a lie nor a strong front im putting. for i promised myself to not become someone else in order to prove anything to anyone anymore.

:-)

2014 will be my year. i know it.