desolation

sometimes I wonder what's my heart made of. how did I go through so much without even feeing a flick of emotions? but I guess I toughened it up during my childhood. it's easy to assume I live a normal and luxurious life. I didn't choose to intentionally make it seem like I do, I am not that scheming nor pretentious. I just very naturally restrict people's access to my life. so much that only the pleasant side and the more presentable form is shown. yknow?

I'd never, in any way, tried to flaunt whatever (little) I have, with any slightest intention to impress and drive others into jealousy. 

I digressed. but... my life so far hadn't been a bed of roses. not even close, for sure. for the whole 19 years of my living,  all I'd ever wanted is to live a normal life. I want to be a normal teenager who eats family dinner with her full family every night. I long for a father figure to occasionally keep me in reins. I want to stop living in fear of a family thief in the house, and my berates turning on deaf ears. I want to have normal siblings of suitable age gaps between us. I want siblings and parents who have actually been through and know nuts about the education system to guide me through this rough path. I want my sisters to be my confidantes, to understand the present teenage phases and trends, to be my best friends. a sister who is always there, at home, ready to shield me from dangers when I need some protection. 

maybe that's why I'm so independent. maybe that's why I only depend on myself to fend for whatever that comes. only I can protect myself. 

and I can only

solely

depend on 

myself.