desolation

sometimes I wonder what's my heart made of. how did I go through so much without even feeing a flick of emotions? but I guess I toughened it up during my childhood. it's easy to assume I live a normal and luxurious life. I didn't choose to intentionally make it seem like I do, I am not that scheming nor pretentious. I just very naturally restrict people's access to my life. so much that only the pleasant side and the more presentable form is shown. yknow?

I'd never, in any way, tried to flaunt whatever (little) I have, with any slightest intention to impress and drive others into jealousy. 

I digressed. but... my life so far hadn't been a bed of roses. not even close, for sure. for the whole 19 years of my living,  all I'd ever wanted is to live a normal life. I want to be a normal teenager who eats family dinner with her full family every night. I long for a father figure to occasionally keep me in reins. I want to stop living in fear of a family thief in the house, and my berates turning on deaf ears. I want to have normal siblings of suitable age gaps between us. I want siblings and parents who have actually been through and know nuts about the education system to guide me through this rough path. I want my sisters to be my confidantes, to understand the present teenage phases and trends, to be my best friends. a sister who is always there, at home, ready to shield me from dangers when I need some protection. 

maybe that's why I'm so independent. maybe that's why I only depend on myself to fend for whatever that comes. only I can protect myself. 

and I can only

solely

depend on 

myself. 

who knew?

I am feeling a myriad of emotions. I grew tired of confiding because they're all just the same few problems. i grew tired of telling them. I grew tired of finding someone who really cares enough to hear them. or maybe I wasn't tired. I won't be tired for the one person I want to tell it to. but I'm just like that. I can't just trust you and tell you something that's been bothering me. I hate how people assume I trust easily because I make friends easily. 

remember: the most easy-going and friendliest people trust the least. don't you realise you never really know what they're thinking about? you don't really know how they're like when they're alone before they sleep? how they really genuinely feel about things? 

think. just think. how well do you know me? how much of me did I ever reveal to you? if you think you know me enough by talking to me day and night for consecutively 5 months, you thought wrong. 

you cease to know me entirely. and that will always be the case. for I keep my true self only for the worthy. and to fully know every inch of my life, my thoughts and myself, it might take a decade, or a lifetime. I don't tell anyone everything. even my best friends. I only create a personality mould for people to see and not to understand. I've immersed myself in this facade so much it's part of my whole living. I can't tear this mask off. I can't. I can't. I really can't. 

somebody, anybody, fix me.

I only act tough and independent just so I really want to be found.